One Long Post

So there's much to catch up on. I've kind of let go of this blog for a while and you'll see why as soon as you read this.

As the school year was coming there was no doubt that teachers would pack me with tons and tons of assignments, but God, they can stress us kids out like no one can. Tons of ISUs (independent study units) and assignments and tests, and oh yeah, EXAMS. Well I'm done and I'm free for now.

Now that I'm don't school I've got to start working full time to bring that dough (is that how they spell it?). Okay, well clearly that's not how i usually speak. Anyways, I'm at Splash and since Heidi's my new supervisor she's been trying to give me shifts at lockers since she knows we like them. The thing is, the last two times I've been at work, I haven't balanced. Which is really scary since the next time I don't balance I'm going to get a PIF.

Oh, and prom. So yeah I was kind of ignoring this topic because its a bittersweet thing, and not in the way you'd expect. So prom was awesome. I mean like, the food was kind of bad, and the deejay played way too many punjabi and soca songs for my liking, but it was still awesome. I got to go with my date, who happens to be one of my closest friends. Okay, so this is where the story takes a turn. So, about 4-5 days after prom, Rajneet dies of meningitis. It's weird because like only what, 5 people die of it in Canada each year, and she had to be one of them?! Really weird stuff. We used to be friends several years ago until shit happened between us. She even came over a couple times. It was really hard on a lot of people in my school considering that Avinider, the nicest pothead around, died in a car crash about a month and a bit earlier. Teachers were trying to be nice about it, but really, I felt like they were kind of making things worse. The courses you needed a break from would not let you take one, and the ones that you just wanted to go on, like math, would take days out and do nothing.

So now about my slightly dysfunctional family. About a month ago, my mom picks me up from my shift at Wonderland, and she's crying. I didn't know what was wrong, so I obviously asked her. She told me she wanted a divorce from my dad. The thing is, we're brown. Like no brown people I know get divorces. Its a faux pas. Now, I'm not saying I'm against divorces because it'll bring "shame" to our family. No, I was just shocked that my mom, a brown woman, would tell me she wanted a divorce. I didn't know what to say, but I knew where she was coming from. My dad's been acting a little distant lately, and sometimes I think it's our fault. Like the other day (more like a month ago) Karthi wore shorts, and he was like blah blah blah "if you wear shorts you're not tamil" and all my sister said was "okay," and she went on with her life. I'm on my sister's side of this story because he is a bit strict on what we do and don't wear. Then a couple days before my mom told me this my older sister kind of screamed at him for no reason, probably because she was tired from work, and he was irritating her without even knowing it. He then stopped talking to her all together. So my mom's boiling point was when she asked my dad who's going to pick me up, and he just snapped on her. Telling her things like how she makes him do everything. It's weird, because I see faults in both my mom and dad. Honestly though, between you and me, I sympathize with my mom more because she's been trying to save us money for university forever, but my dad hasn't contributed much, if anything. He wants us to get a loan. It's kind of messed up.

Okay, so I know this sounds kind of shallow and such teenage drama, and it was a while back, but I'm accepting things. Things like you can't always get what you want, but you've got to try with all you have. Also, I've noticed ever since the Avinider and Rajneet things, my friends, and people at my school are more easily showing their affection. And saying "I love you" not just between couples, but between friends as well. We give people hearts on msn that we normally wouldn't when we leave. All this, because you never know when things will turn around. When you'll never see someone again.

Overflowing Emotions

"They" say that you're supposed to feel better when you talk about your feelings. I don't think that's true.

So I'm thinking about how my friends and I don't talk anymore. Or rather, how I don't talk to them anymore. They don't realize that I'm upset at all over the prom thing. I don't know if I want them to know though. I don't want them to ruin their plans for my sake. At the same time, I wish that they had considered me in their plans. Lugee came really close to figuring out that I was upset, but I know he's not the best person to confide in, so I acted like he was insane for thinking that there was something wrong.

I can't seem to find someone to confide in. Scratch that. I don't know who to confide in. Maybe that's the problem.

Ugh Prom.

So much has happened since I last posted. I don't really want to talk about all of it, but rather just what's on my mind now. So prom is coming up, and yes, I have a date, but we're only going as friends, because, after all, he is gay. Anyways, I have no where to sit. All the people I asked have rejected me. This would include two people who I would consider to be my best friends: ashley and shivangi. I'm so tired of it all. It's like I'm always the one that's left out, and stuff. I thought they'd atleast invite me to their after party. Clearly, that didn't happen. I hate this. This is like, what everyone fears: rejection.

I can't stand it anymore! Even when we went to Ottawa, those two hung around together and left me sitting alone. In math, Shivangi just ditched me completely, and sits with Nimrat. I understand that their crew has been friends for a long time, but couldn't they just take the time to even consider me? Yeah, okay, so their prom table was full, but the after party? You have to leave me behind for that too? This makes me realize that I only have the facade of friends, and not any real ones.

I asked Deepika about it, via e-mail, and she just completely ignored it, and just called me instead of replying to it. Plus, I really don't want to end up sitting with knika and them, just because I', going to feel really uncomfortable. Oh well, I think I'll make my own table and invite people to join. Okay, well i have to go work on my endless ISUs for school. Thank God there's only a month and a bit left of that place.

Dear person,

I hate you. No, I don't, but I strongly dislike you. It's for such stupid reasons too. I thought we were such good friends, maybe one of my closest friends. I was wrong. You don't like me, you're so fake it makes me mad just talking to you. Like now. Can you either be a true friend or get the fuck out of my life? Nope, because you don't know how i feel. Constantly being ditched in math class for your other friends. No, not only in math, but I can't think of a time when you put me first, before your other friends. It's fucking bullshit. I can't stand this. Just get the fuck out of my life please.

thanks,
me

So, it's Earth Hour. We've participated for the last two years, but not this year. Damn it's hard typing this on my iPod, buy since I can't use anything plugged in. Karthi won't shut up about her colon, and her constipation. That reminds me of a french movie I saw and the girl who was über obssesed with her intestines had cancer. I just told her to get it checked out but she said she doesn't want a stick up her ass.

Back to Earth Hour, we aren't doing it because we've got people over on account of appamma's death and all. Karthi's objecting my use of this so I think I'm going to go. G'night Great Blog Machine.

I really should be soon work but I'm not. Amma and appa are at home right now. I think I shouldvhave stayed home too, but amma amde is come. Bobil said it would get my min off of things. I found out that I only start fraking out when I really start thinking about it. I realized I usually only post things when I'm river lonely or i'm sad. I guess it means I should try avoiding writing here :) jatecr, it makes me feel better.

Oh that reminds me, i've got clean city tomorrow, which means I get tovare you know who;) he's über adorable. Well that's all I'll say, because I've got I get back to working on physics and then gran some lunch.

Au revoir pour maintenant Great Blog Machine.

Best Left Untitled

I thought it was a bad dream. Not even a nightmare, just a bad dream. I take naps after school, usually from 4-6, but this time my sister came into my room. At 4:46 she told me my grandmother pass away. My response according to her was "I'm tired." I thought it was dream, well a bad one, until it dawned on me a little past 5 p.m, that it probably wasn't. Turns out it was true.

I don't know why I'm grieving, if thats what you want to call it. I never met her before, or probably haven't. I guess I'm grieving for my father's loss. I don't want to even think about how I'd feel. Let's not go there.

Well, Great Blog Machine, I don't want to tell anyone what happened. This is my chance to inspire pity in those around me, and fuck, I don't want one bit of it. It's better just to keep it all in my noggin. What would they say if I told them anyways, "I'm sorry," that's utter bullshit. "I'm here for you if you ever need anything," even bigger bullshit.

Poor Appa, he'd already started making funeral arrangements before she even passed. My mom used some big word for it. I don't remember what it was. I remember it was one of those words you just want to spit out and stomp on it. Amma and Appa are cleaning up right now. "Impress the family. Yes, we must put on a good image even when we are grieving. Yes, we shall not let anyone know what a mess our house really is. Yes, let us uphold our reputation." Mother fucking bullshit.

I've got to study for my math test tomorrow. G'day Great Blog Machine.

Friendless?

I know everyone has those moments when they feel like their alone, and I'm having one of those moments eight now. Just a reminder: it sucks! The girl in the next cubicle is peeking over. I'm embarassed to be in the library for no other reason other than the fact that I can't fnd someone to hang out with. I saw Shivangi in class today, but don't think I said a single word to her. I miss toronto. Oh, and sandeep cancelled her party. Gosh I miss hangny of with her :(.

Dirty Room -.-"

I've got to clean my room. It's incredibly dirty. Clothes strewn everywhere, wrappers that need to be picked up. Honestly, it's like I don't even have space for everything that I've got. That's why I'm going to use my second closet. Yeah, you're probably like "Second closet? Why haven't you used it before?" and the reason for that is because it was blocked by my desk. I'm moving my table around so that it will no longer block it. The problem with that is that my dresser needs to be moved, and since it's extremely heavy, I've got to wait for my dad to help me move it. The thing is he works night shifts, and so he's sleeping right now, and I've got to wait for him to come help me.

I also have a lot of stuffed animals in my room. I think it's time to donate them... to my older sister. Haha, I know the irony in that.

Don't you just love this dry yeastless factuality, Great Blogging Machine?

Open Up in There!

I went to the library with some friends today, and it was pretty fun. I actually got a bit of work done, surprisingly. I enjoyed their company. So Lugee was talking, and he said that I don't share a lot about me. I realized that it was true. I don't share things with him because he's got a big mouth, and would end up telling the world. Okay, that's a hyperbole, but you get the gist of it.

At first I didn't think much of it, until I thought back to a time when Sandeep said the exact same thing. So I'm thinking there's more to it than I once thought. Also, everyone was talking about their grandparents, and I just kind of sat there, not saying anything, on account of my grandmother's current situation.

Well, time shall tell whether I open up or not. Good night Great Blog Machine, I've got a lot of work set up for me tomorrow!

Much Ado About Nothing

So a day just went by without me having written in the thing. I realize that March Break is coming to and end, and I've still got massive amount of homework to get done. Oh well, tomorrow I'm heading to the library with some friends and hopefully I'll get some of it done there.

I got my graduation pictures today. Most of mine looked terrible. There were a couple that were okay I guess. I've got to go to Vaughan Mills tomorrow to get a prom dress, or at least start looking for one!

Okay, well, I'm going to watch Mulan again. Goodnight Great Blog Machine.

Not Quite a Tragedy

My grandma's going to die. I don't know if I've met her, but if I did, I don't remember it. She's in Sri Lanka. I'm in Canada. I don't know how my dad is doing. He seems to be okay, but knowing him, he's probably masking his true emotions. The truth is, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I've never met her, or don't remember ever meeting her. Apparently, according to my dad's side of the family, I look just like her, rather than either of my parents. Does that mean I should have some special connection? Guess not, because I most definitely do not feel it.

The phone keeps ringing, but I do not want to pick it up. It's not like we ever pick up the phone anyways, but this time it's different. Every time I hear that "long distance tone" ringing, I fill up with dread. I don't want to be the one to pick up and answer it, and be the first one to know. I don't want to be the one to tell my dad.

There's another thing you should know about me Great Blog Machine. I can't speak tamil. Big deal right? Well it actually is. you see, I was born in Sri Lanka and came to Canada as a refugee. I've never told anyone the refugee part. Well anyways, I don't know if you heard about the big civil strife going on there, but it's the reason why my family came to Canada. I was less than a year old when I came, and I used to speak tamil and everything. And then I stopped. There's a reason of course, but I don't want to get into that right now.

So now I'm left in one of Canada's most "multicultural" cities, without being able to speak her native tongue. It's the language I learned to communicate with! My mom speaks tamil to me, and I reply back in english, because fortunately, I can understand her. It's not so easy with my dad. He can't speak english very well, and he refuses to speak in tamil to me, because he thinks I don't understand him. The truth is, I'd understand him better if he spoke tamil anyways. The end result? We don't talk.

He's a nice I guy. I think. That's what my mom tells me, but I don't really have a relationship with him. I guess you can say he's not the "sage-like" figure that fathers are perceived to be. I guess that's another thing I like about Mulan. I coveted the relationship she has with her father.

I need some air.

Mulan

So, like I mentioned before, I watched Mulan yet again. It's my March Break and the only thing I seem to be doing is visiting Tim Horton's and watching Mulan. I recently fell in love with that movie again. I don't know what it is about it that makes me like it so much. Okay, maybe that's not completely true. I love Mulan because it's about a woman who becomes empowered. it defies ancient traditions, most of which were sexist, so good riddance! It's also has some "love" themes going for it, but its not the main focus, which makes me like it even more. I think I'll watch it another 3 times before I get completely tired of it.

Size

So, I'm this slightly chubby kid. I'm not necessarily "fat," but it wouldn't hurt if I lost a couple pounds. I went to Hollister, and I'm a pant size bigger than I thought I was! -.-" I'm hoping its only Hollister! Wishful thinking I suppose.

I've got several groups of friends I hang out with. One of the groups are extremely fashionable, wearing things like Coach, Burberry, Chanel and other higher end things. These friends also happen to be very thin. Okay not unhealthily thin, because they do eat when they're hungry. I'd describe their size as covetable. Is that even a word? I feel like I'm gigantic around them, because the biggest one of them, is still several sizes smaller than me, and they joke around with her weight.

Another group, I'd classify as the slightly "emo," are, I'd say larger. I like them just as much as my other group of friends, but I feel more comfortable around them in terms of my size. Why? It's because I feel like I'm a normal size.

Well, like I said before, my BMI is at... wait let me find out. Okay, so it's at like the 65th percentile. Heavier than the average, but still within the normal range. I'd like it to drop down to like 45. It's probably not going to happen, so I just want to be able to be happy with my body :)

I must go watch Mulan now Great Blog Machine. It's my 5th time this week. I think my next post will be about Mulan.

Yet another thing that doesn't need to exist, thrives

Okay, you know what really grinds my gears?! RACISM. Aren't we all people? Don't we all have hopes, dreams and desires that we trying to fulfill? Then why put others down because of something they can't even control! Why not help them accomplish their goals.

If you believe in God, aren't we all "God's children?"

If you don't, don't we all live on the same planet?

You didn't choose the colour of you're hair, nor the size of your feet. Why hate because of colour or ethnicity? Why target other people's personal beliefs just because you're insecure. RACISM could be a thing of the past if we let it be!

Goodnight Great Blog Machine!

Prom and University, the Things a Senior Worries About

Well this blogging this is pretty cool, I have to admit. It's not like I'm writing something down knowing no one will see it, but it's not like I have to watch what I say.

So what's on my mind right now? The fact that I don't have a prom date! My friends and I were supposed to do this singles thing, but my closes friends have either found themselves a boyfriend, or have managed to get a prom date. I know, prom's like, 3 months away, but I'm still starting to worry. I can't picture myself going with a guy at my school. At the same time, it's like every other girl seems to have found a date, or will find one. Ugh, I know this is shallow stuff, but I still find it irritating.

On another topic, I got accepted to all 3 university programs (I'm Canadian, so theres a difference between university and college). Environmental Science at Waterloo, Earth and Environmental Science at McMaster, and Biotech/Economics at Waterloo. woopee! It's early acceptance too XD.

Well, I gotta do the dishes now. Au revoir, great blog machine!

First Blog

Okay, so this is one of those blogs i hope no one sees. If you aren't me, I recommend you go find another blog because this contains nothing but petty teenage drama. It's supposed to be an outlet, I suppose, much like a journal, but on the world wide web. I'm obviously not going to use names, but rather make up aliases for them :) Let the fun begin!

I wanted to make this blog because I saw an episode of house where a girl blogged about her life, and it saved her life. I obviously do not want to expect that this will save my life, but i envied how much it helped her emotionally.

Well, I've got to go walk to the grocery store with my sister, since the winter has finally dissappeared, so goodbye for now, great blog.