One Long Post

So there's much to catch up on. I've kind of let go of this blog for a while and you'll see why as soon as you read this.

As the school year was coming there was no doubt that teachers would pack me with tons and tons of assignments, but God, they can stress us kids out like no one can. Tons of ISUs (independent study units) and assignments and tests, and oh yeah, EXAMS. Well I'm done and I'm free for now.

Now that I'm don't school I've got to start working full time to bring that dough (is that how they spell it?). Okay, well clearly that's not how i usually speak. Anyways, I'm at Splash and since Heidi's my new supervisor she's been trying to give me shifts at lockers since she knows we like them. The thing is, the last two times I've been at work, I haven't balanced. Which is really scary since the next time I don't balance I'm going to get a PIF.

Oh, and prom. So yeah I was kind of ignoring this topic because its a bittersweet thing, and not in the way you'd expect. So prom was awesome. I mean like, the food was kind of bad, and the deejay played way too many punjabi and soca songs for my liking, but it was still awesome. I got to go with my date, who happens to be one of my closest friends. Okay, so this is where the story takes a turn. So, about 4-5 days after prom, Rajneet dies of meningitis. It's weird because like only what, 5 people die of it in Canada each year, and she had to be one of them?! Really weird stuff. We used to be friends several years ago until shit happened between us. She even came over a couple times. It was really hard on a lot of people in my school considering that Avinider, the nicest pothead around, died in a car crash about a month and a bit earlier. Teachers were trying to be nice about it, but really, I felt like they were kind of making things worse. The courses you needed a break from would not let you take one, and the ones that you just wanted to go on, like math, would take days out and do nothing.

So now about my slightly dysfunctional family. About a month ago, my mom picks me up from my shift at Wonderland, and she's crying. I didn't know what was wrong, so I obviously asked her. She told me she wanted a divorce from my dad. The thing is, we're brown. Like no brown people I know get divorces. Its a faux pas. Now, I'm not saying I'm against divorces because it'll bring "shame" to our family. No, I was just shocked that my mom, a brown woman, would tell me she wanted a divorce. I didn't know what to say, but I knew where she was coming from. My dad's been acting a little distant lately, and sometimes I think it's our fault. Like the other day (more like a month ago) Karthi wore shorts, and he was like blah blah blah "if you wear shorts you're not tamil" and all my sister said was "okay," and she went on with her life. I'm on my sister's side of this story because he is a bit strict on what we do and don't wear. Then a couple days before my mom told me this my older sister kind of screamed at him for no reason, probably because she was tired from work, and he was irritating her without even knowing it. He then stopped talking to her all together. So my mom's boiling point was when she asked my dad who's going to pick me up, and he just snapped on her. Telling her things like how she makes him do everything. It's weird, because I see faults in both my mom and dad. Honestly though, between you and me, I sympathize with my mom more because she's been trying to save us money for university forever, but my dad hasn't contributed much, if anything. He wants us to get a loan. It's kind of messed up.

Okay, so I know this sounds kind of shallow and such teenage drama, and it was a while back, but I'm accepting things. Things like you can't always get what you want, but you've got to try with all you have. Also, I've noticed ever since the Avinider and Rajneet things, my friends, and people at my school are more easily showing their affection. And saying "I love you" not just between couples, but between friends as well. We give people hearts on msn that we normally wouldn't when we leave. All this, because you never know when things will turn around. When you'll never see someone again.

Overflowing Emotions

"They" say that you're supposed to feel better when you talk about your feelings. I don't think that's true.

So I'm thinking about how my friends and I don't talk anymore. Or rather, how I don't talk to them anymore. They don't realize that I'm upset at all over the prom thing. I don't know if I want them to know though. I don't want them to ruin their plans for my sake. At the same time, I wish that they had considered me in their plans. Lugee came really close to figuring out that I was upset, but I know he's not the best person to confide in, so I acted like he was insane for thinking that there was something wrong.

I can't seem to find someone to confide in. Scratch that. I don't know who to confide in. Maybe that's the problem.

Ugh Prom.

So much has happened since I last posted. I don't really want to talk about all of it, but rather just what's on my mind now. So prom is coming up, and yes, I have a date, but we're only going as friends, because, after all, he is gay. Anyways, I have no where to sit. All the people I asked have rejected me. This would include two people who I would consider to be my best friends: ashley and shivangi. I'm so tired of it all. It's like I'm always the one that's left out, and stuff. I thought they'd atleast invite me to their after party. Clearly, that didn't happen. I hate this. This is like, what everyone fears: rejection.

I can't stand it anymore! Even when we went to Ottawa, those two hung around together and left me sitting alone. In math, Shivangi just ditched me completely, and sits with Nimrat. I understand that their crew has been friends for a long time, but couldn't they just take the time to even consider me? Yeah, okay, so their prom table was full, but the after party? You have to leave me behind for that too? This makes me realize that I only have the facade of friends, and not any real ones.

I asked Deepika about it, via e-mail, and she just completely ignored it, and just called me instead of replying to it. Plus, I really don't want to end up sitting with knika and them, just because I', going to feel really uncomfortable. Oh well, I think I'll make my own table and invite people to join. Okay, well i have to go work on my endless ISUs for school. Thank God there's only a month and a bit left of that place.

Dear person,

I hate you. No, I don't, but I strongly dislike you. It's for such stupid reasons too. I thought we were such good friends, maybe one of my closest friends. I was wrong. You don't like me, you're so fake it makes me mad just talking to you. Like now. Can you either be a true friend or get the fuck out of my life? Nope, because you don't know how i feel. Constantly being ditched in math class for your other friends. No, not only in math, but I can't think of a time when you put me first, before your other friends. It's fucking bullshit. I can't stand this. Just get the fuck out of my life please.

thanks,
me

So, it's Earth Hour. We've participated for the last two years, but not this year. Damn it's hard typing this on my iPod, buy since I can't use anything plugged in. Karthi won't shut up about her colon, and her constipation. That reminds me of a french movie I saw and the girl who was über obssesed with her intestines had cancer. I just told her to get it checked out but she said she doesn't want a stick up her ass.

Back to Earth Hour, we aren't doing it because we've got people over on account of appamma's death and all. Karthi's objecting my use of this so I think I'm going to go. G'night Great Blog Machine.

I really should be soon work but I'm not. Amma and appa are at home right now. I think I shouldvhave stayed home too, but amma amde is come. Bobil said it would get my min off of things. I found out that I only start fraking out when I really start thinking about it. I realized I usually only post things when I'm river lonely or i'm sad. I guess it means I should try avoiding writing here :) jatecr, it makes me feel better.

Oh that reminds me, i've got clean city tomorrow, which means I get tovare you know who;) he's über adorable. Well that's all I'll say, because I've got I get back to working on physics and then gran some lunch.

Au revoir pour maintenant Great Blog Machine.